The below is another piece of flash fiction which I don’t think will find a home at any pro-paying magazine, but which I none the less liked enough that I decided to share with the world.
Real Fake
Thousands of people are marching through the streets of Washington DC today, protesting what some call a compilation of the biggest scientific breakthroughs of the last decade. But to the victims, it’s a different story. We’re joined by Susan Tanner, a frequent user of anti-wrinkle creams. Susan why are you out here protesting in the February cold?
I… Well, I wouldn’t call me a frequent user. I just… I’ve tried the stuff before, and it has never really helped any, you know? And then there’s this commercial on the TV saying they’ve made some major discoveries in the labs and everyone could look like that skinny girl they showed in the flowing white dress. And I thought, why not? Scientists can conjure up all sorts of things these days.
Then what happened?
I tried it, and look. I know it says on the back that it will give you a smooth, wrinkle-free skin. But it didn’t expect it to make me look like this. Smooth and wrinkle-free, sure. But I don’t think anybody realize exactly how that looks. I mean, face drawn tight over your skull, not a single furrow on it. I look like I’ve been ironed out and shot full of Botox.
***
Rahjeem Al-Saad, spokesperson of the FDA. What do say to the people who claim your department has approved potentially dangerous cosmetics without properly reviewing the applications?
All drugs have side effects. What we’ve seen so far from the line of cosmetics in question are actually quite mild compared to what we would normally expect. To my knowledge, there hasn’t even been a single allergic reaction.
So the allegations that your department suffers from recent cutbacks and that certain people close to the president have pressured the FDA into approving these cosmetics are just wild rumours?
Absolutely.
***
We’re here at the foot of the stairs leading to Capitol Hill. Congressman Nielsen, what your stance on the cosmetics scandal?
I think it’s outrageous! Only yesterday I had a call from a Mr. Phillips, one of the good people of Apple Valley, Minnesota. He’d been using hair growth treatments to fight his early onset balding. Now he has to trim the hair growing down over his eyes three times a day. Can you imagine how much he’s going to have to spend on hairdressers? And that’s not even considering the mental trauma of looking like a… like an orangutan.
***
Congressman Nielsen was one amongst the slight majority who voted against the law proposed to put a stop on overly effective cosmetics during the vote last Monday. Yesterday, it was revealed that Rue Blanc Cosmetics has donated large sums to his campaign funds. The congressman has refused to comment.
***
We joined by Jane Reynold of the state prosecutor’s office in New York. Jane, what are the chances this will go to court?
Zero, really. I mean, so far the side effects have been relatively harmless compared to what we’re used to in cosmetics. And I have never heard of a case were a company was sued for actually delivering on their promises. The opposite happens rarely enough.
So what will the outcome be?
The free publicity has not exactly hurt sales, so I am guessing the cosmetics CEOs will be out buying new cars next month too.
Toby Backman 